I know that my recent posts (well not the last one but that wasn't a real post) have been light-hearted and Semi-entertaining. . . This one is a little more of a "head clearing exercise". I will get back into form soon. I just have to do this for me.
These are my insecurities, and this blog is sometimes a place for me to get them off my chest, so if anybody who "knows" me reads this please don't change how you act towards me. It's my problem, not yours and I just couldn't bare it.
I'm not sure if it's approval I seek. I know this plays a small part. I understand myself well enough to know that I hate to disappoint. So I guess if people don't have any expectations of me, this can not happen. But is this what I want?? I like to live up to expectations. I just shouldn't torture myself when I don't. As I said before this is my problem, not anybody else's.
It's funny how little things effect me.
I remember one time, it was about 3 am and my dad had gotten home from a night out. Well I was watching "prisoner" (LOL for those of you that don't know it, it's a really bad 70's Australian Drama about a women's prison- I think the Brit show "Bad Girls" is based on it, so if you've seen that you know it's far from quality viewing). Any Who, Dad said "Lada I always considered you the intelligent one in the family. why are you watching this rubbish? " I'm sure he never thought twice about this, but my stupid mind translated this in "You have no intelligence whatsoever". This cut me and obviously still gets to me when I think of it.
A friend recently said something which my stupid mind translated into "you have no style whatsoever" I've never considered myself a stylish person, I've always thought of myself as a bit of a dag and rather plain at times, so it's not my expectations of myself that bothered me. It's the fact that I may have lost something in their eyes. I do know how stupid this sounds, remember I'm writing here to clear my head.
I hate being put on a pedestal (no matter how small), I will inevitably fall off. For some stupid reason this actually hurts. I have some friends (Gus, Kat, Dave B) who I feel totally comfortable around, I guess because they don't have ant expectations of me. If I'm being a total dick, they'll let me know and it's ok. I've had people hold me in such high regard that when I fell, and I fell hard, I hurt both them and me.
Thank you for letting me vent, I just don't know if I feel better. . . or simply exposed
Oh Well,
Little Blue Lada
These are my insecurities, and this blog is sometimes a place for me to get them off my chest, so if anybody who "knows" me reads this please don't change how you act towards me. It's my problem, not yours and I just couldn't bare it.
I'm not sure if it's approval I seek. I know this plays a small part. I understand myself well enough to know that I hate to disappoint. So I guess if people don't have any expectations of me, this can not happen. But is this what I want?? I like to live up to expectations. I just shouldn't torture myself when I don't. As I said before this is my problem, not anybody else's.
It's funny how little things effect me.
I remember one time, it was about 3 am and my dad had gotten home from a night out. Well I was watching "prisoner" (LOL for those of you that don't know it, it's a really bad 70's Australian Drama about a women's prison- I think the Brit show "Bad Girls" is based on it, so if you've seen that you know it's far from quality viewing). Any Who, Dad said "Lada I always considered you the intelligent one in the family. why are you watching this rubbish? " I'm sure he never thought twice about this, but my stupid mind translated this in "You have no intelligence whatsoever". This cut me and obviously still gets to me when I think of it.
A friend recently said something which my stupid mind translated into "you have no style whatsoever" I've never considered myself a stylish person, I've always thought of myself as a bit of a dag and rather plain at times, so it's not my expectations of myself that bothered me. It's the fact that I may have lost something in their eyes. I do know how stupid this sounds, remember I'm writing here to clear my head.
I hate being put on a pedestal (no matter how small), I will inevitably fall off. For some stupid reason this actually hurts. I have some friends (Gus, Kat, Dave B) who I feel totally comfortable around, I guess because they don't have ant expectations of me. If I'm being a total dick, they'll let me know and it's ok. I've had people hold me in such high regard that when I fell, and I fell hard, I hurt both them and me.
Thank you for letting me vent, I just don't know if I feel better. . . or simply exposed
Oh Well,
Little Blue Lada
