*WARNING*Incoherent rant approaching:

I went to sleep after the birds got up and I got up after only 4 hours again. . . My one consolation is that I have a day off today so I can rest up for the big Sunday morning at the Hotel. This was only ever supposed to be a 2-3day a week job and I've only had 2 days off in the last 14, that's more than a full timer!

I've been asked repeatedly to work there full time and said no. I've been asked to take a management position and I've said no. The other thing they don't seem to understand is that I don't want or need to work this much. Whenever I bring it up they stress how much they need me (hire some more staff dammit!) and I get the feeling that they think they're doing me a favour. .

"Think about the money, Lada"

This job was never about "money". I have a very simple lifestyle, I have lived on much less and been happy. When pay day comes it feels like a bit of a bonus, I'm sure if my material needs were fulfilled I would work for nothing.

I haven't been able to paint because I'm creatively drained which is why I gave up design work in the first place. Design paid a lot more for a lot less of my time, but I was alone in my own little world so I thought I'd give a "real" job a go. A job that didn't involve the arts at all, in an industry that was flexible enough to deal with my chaotic lifestyle. A job that left me with enough time to do my real work.

I was interviewed by a European magazine recently (I don't know if the article has been published yet, though I do have a pre-translation proof of the article I may post soon). The piece on me was supposed to be a fragment in a jigsaw on young* female artists around the world (*I hate the word emerging, I have been doing this for a long time there’s no blossoming to be had) The journalist asked me if she could do a full spread on just me after the interview. Her words: “You are the best one we’ve had”

 I feel like a fraud. I say I'm an artist, but I'm not. I am a bullshit artist.

L